Grief may be a universal experience, but it looks very different from one person to another. This can make it tricky to tell what’s healthy and what’s not.
For such a common human experience, grief can make us feel completely lost and alone.
Grief, as defined by the American Psychological Association (APA), is the anguish experienced after a significant loss.1 Often, it’s the death of a loved one, but it can also include the loss of:2
- Your job or career
- A goal
- A marriage, friendship, or other relationship
- Good health
The pain of loss can often stir up all kinds of difficult and unexpected emotions. We may feel shocked, numb, sad, confused, guilty, angry, or all of the above. We may even wonder if what we’re experiencing is normal. Shouldn’t I just be getting “over it” already?
Let’s unpack grief and the grieving process so we can understand when healthy grieving has become unhealthy.
The Grieving Process
Loss is a universal experience—the way people respond to it is not.
I always remind my clients [that] every person’s journey through grief is unique, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve
—— , a licensed mental health counselor.3
While the grieving process looks different from person to person, there are some common themes however that tend to pop up. Over the years, grief experts have come up with various models to explain these commonalities. Perhaps the best-known is the five stages of grief.
You’ve probably heard of it, but if you need a quick refresher, the five stages of grief is a theory created by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross about how people typically respond to loss.4
According to this model, grief entails the following emotional reactions:5
- Denial. To protect yourself from an upsetting reality, you deny the loss happened or avoid facing it.
- Anger. Once you accept the loss, you become angry. Anger can show up as a short temper or trying to blame other people or circumstances for the loss.
- Bargaining. You try to hold onto hope by negotiating with yourself, people around you, or a higher power. You may wonder if you could have prevented the loss by doing things differently.
- Depression. The first three stages were your attempts to protect yourself from this painful phase. When you hit the depression stage, you experience symptoms like fatigue, sadness, and a lack of interest in life’s experiences.
- Acceptance. The acceptance stage isn’t about being okay with what happened but instead learning to live with your loss.
Even though Kübler-Ross set the phases in a specific order, she noted that people can experience the stages differently.6 You might pass through each stage in or out of order or skip specific stages entirely.7 It’s also common to move back and forth between stages, to accept a loss but return to an earlier phase.8
How people act within a stage also varies quite a bit. Some people show obvious signs of grieving, like crying and staying in bed all day, while others bury their emotions and try to get on with life as quickly as possible. Neither approach is better—or more “normal”— than the other.
Personality differences and how deeply we feel the loss can explain variations in how people grieve. For example, someone who was taught that it’s okay to share your feelings will probably be more comfortable with showing emotion than someone who learned to keep it inside. Similarly, people typically react more strongly to the death of a spouse, sibling, or parent than that of an acquaintance.
And, because grief is a major source of stress, it can also do a number on your physical health. Physical symptoms such as headaches, trouble sleeping, nausea, and general aches and pains are incredibly common in people who are grieving.9
When Does Grief Become Unhealthy?
As you may have gathered by now, everyone experiences grief differently. This makes it challenging—but not impossible—to say what “healthy” grieving looks like in all cases.
That said, there can come a point when grief crosses the line into “unhealthy” territory.
There’s no normal timeline for grief, but it should typically get less intense over time. Over time you should cry less often, sleep better, take up old hobbies and interests, and enjoy socializing with friends and family again.
But if your grief gets worse or doesn’t improve even a year after the loss, there could be cause for worry.11 This is known as prolonged grief, and, given how grief symptoms are stressful on your body, it can spell trouble for your emotional and physical health.
Sleep problems, for example, are common in people who are grieving. Tossing and turning night after night increases your risk for high blood pressure (hypertension), heart attack, stroke, type 2 diabetes, obesity, and obstructive sleep apnea (a sleep disorder that causes you to stop breathing while asleep).12 And if you already have health issues, sleep deprivation will only make them worse.
Similarly, the stress that comes with grief can spike your heart rate and blood pressure, reduce blood flow to the heart, and keep stress hormones like cortisol circulating. Over time, these effects can lead to heart disease, warns the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).13
Turning To Alcohol Or Drugs
Turning to alcohol or drugs to cope with your loss is also unhealthy, regardless of how long you’ve been grieving. Not only do these behaviors have health consequences, they actually get in the way of the grieving process.
Usually, when someone is using an unhealthy coping mechanism, they’re trying to avoid the cycles and emotional pain that come with their grief
—— , a cognitive neuroscientist.14
In the moment, avoidance often seems so much easier than actually feeling the heaviness of grief. However, if not managed, this pain will keep coming back.16
—— continued.15
When Should I Get Help For Grief?
Honestly, if you’re asking that question, the answer is “now”. But if you’re on the fence, consider whether you relate to any of these scenarios:17
- You’re the primary source of support for someone else, whether a family member or friend.
- You’re experiencing physical discomfort or pain.
- You’re skipping meals or medications.
- Your emotions are becoming more intense and frequent.
- You’ve thought about hurting yourself or others.
Do any of those sound familiar? If so, a grief therapist or counselor can help you learn to better handle the fear, guilt, or anxiety of your loss.
In addition, there are other strategies that can help you through the grieving process, including:18
Talk it out.
Opening up to other people about how you’re feeling isn’t always easy, but it’s a tried-and-true method for processing grief. Rather than avoiding your close friends and family members, lean on them. If you’re worried about oversharing, consider joining a grief support group. This way, you have an outlet to air your sorrow with people who have experienced similar losses.
Face your feelings.
As you’ve seen, avoiding or numbing your grief only prolongs the grieving process. Especially early on, your instincts may be to avoid or dismiss, but instead try leaning into those feelings. Let yourself feel sadness, anger, and any other emotion that comes up. Writing down your thoughts and feelings in a journal can help you release these emotions without needing to rely on others to listen.
Take care of yourself.
Looking after your physical health may not resolve your grief, but feeling physically healthy can help you cope better emotionally. Take steps—however small—to get better sleep, eat well, make sure you are getting the nutritional support you need, and exercise.
Things Will Get Better
Your grieving process will probably look different from someone else’s—and that’s okay. There’s no right way to grieve, but keep in mind that avoiding your emotions may prolong the process. Friends, family, and grief counselors can help you deal with your loss and feel better.
If your grieving does become unhealthy, and you recognize the signs laid out here, then get help. Professional grief counseling has shown to be very effective. And remember to never neglect your own physical and emotional health, so you can be strong for your loved ones.
1 Grief. American Psychological Association (APA). August 2022.
2 What Is Grief? Cleveland Clinic. Last reviewed February 22, 2023.
3 9 Types of Grief People May Experience, According to Experts. VerywellMind. June 5, 2023.
4 Tyrrell P, Harberger S, Schoo C, Siddiqui W. Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief. In StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing. February 26, 2023.
5 Tyrrell P, Harberger S, Schoo C, Siddiqui W. Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief. In StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing. February 26, 2023.
6 Tyrrell P, Harberger S, Schoo C, Siddiqui W. Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief. In StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing. February 26, 2023.
7 Tyrrell P, Harberger S, Schoo C, Siddiqui W. Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief. In StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing. February 26, 2023.
8 Tyrrell P, Harberger S, Schoo C, Siddiqui W. Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief. In StatPearls. StatPearls Publishing. February 26, 2023.
9 What Is Grief? Cleveland Clinic. Last reviewed February 22, 2023.
10 What Is Grief? Cleveland Clinic. Last reviewed February 22, 2023.
11 What Is Grief? Cleveland Clinic. Last reviewed February 22, 2023.
12 Insomnia. Cleveland Clinic. Last reviewed February 13, 2023.
13 Heart Disease and Mental Health Disorders. CDC. Last reviewed May 6, 2020.
14 5 Healthy Strategies for Coping With Grief. Real Simple. Last updated May 1, 2023.
15 5 Healthy Strategies for Coping With Grief. Real Simple. Last updated May 1, 2023.
16 5 Healthy Strategies for Coping With Grief. Real Simple. Last updated May 1, 2023.
17 Mourning and the 5 Stages of Grief. PsychCentral. February 11, 2021.
18 Coping With Grief and Loss. HelpGuide.org. Last updated June 20, 2023.